My circadian rhythm's inbalance is definitely one of them.
My exhaustion from the day.
My viewing of Little Women making me reminscence and imagine which sister I am...which always leads to identity crisis moments...
Then a glass of wine with live music in the background which brought out tired jessica.
Also just seeing seasons of life come and go so quickly. Friendships changing, yet even as they change...i see them become more beautiful because of it. Yet, still, I just want things to stay the same.
Similar to why I named this blog what it is. I simply sometimes get a bit too intensely satisfied and comfortable with what is and has been, therefore, neglecting the glorious hope of what the plans of our Master are. He is who has woven the beautiful tapestry of my life thus far. He is the one who has brought about the amazing friendships that I grieve and question as they change. He is the composer and creator of music. He is Who gave the musician tonight the talent to play the tunes that gently calmed my mind. He is the one who gives my body strength to make it through the day. So, here I am so enjoying all He has made thus far and brought me through thus far, yet in the same moment fearing what is next.
Do I question His goodness?
Do I question if it will be as good as it is now?
Why do I fall into this?
Just as the Pevensie children get distracted during their journey into the new Narnia and have to be urged onward by Farsight, I too get so caught up in wanting the status quo to remain that I neglect to see the glorious hope for what is in store! How good to know that those Pevensie's did not stop at the waterfalls, or at the beautiful mountains and rock formations, or (as I imagine) at the new aromas and scents that awakened senses in them that they could not imagine. How good to know that although those things were good and beautiful and from Him, that there was a guide there to beckon them onward towards the Presence who spoke those things into being, whose glory diminished everything their eyes had yet seen. They were being ushered into the presence of a King. Of aslan. Who, although He had been with them every step of the way thus far, had now completed the tapestry of the Pevensies on earth. And was just beginning an eternity with them. (How sorrowful it is that Susan Pevensie missed it all. For her mind got too caught up in the affairs of the world and the expectations of man and the reality of how crazy this Narnia sounded to the minds of man.)
I pray our Lord keeps my mind always on the things of Him. When it is easy to think, "ok this is it. No further. Thanks Jesus, You have shown me great things and now I am safe. Now, I am comfortable. No need to journey on". When really, each new evidence of His glory is just a portion of the Whole. I want to remember the freedom He has brought me into, His faithfulness in the past, and the hope of the future. Yet never feel comfortable or that "this or that" must be it. For that reminds me of the Israelites. Out of Egypt. God miracously redeemed them. From the hands of Pharoah. He led them by a pillar of fire by night and by a cloud by day. HE provided manna from Heaven and rock's sprung forth water. What beautiful displays of Himself! How glorious! Yet all of those were just glimpses of His majesty. All were just part of the Israelites journey into the Promised Land.
God did not bring them out of egypt just to give them cool bread out of the sky. Or tasty pure water from rocks. Or just so they could see a cool display of fire and follow in line after a cloud. Those were means, thru which, God would bring them into the land He had promised them. They were each pieces of the tapestry He was weaving.
And just as a seamstress only knows the amount of time needed to complete her piece, just as a refiner of silver only knows how long it will take to mold and make and hold that piece of silver over that flame, so it is that God only knows how long it will take to complete the journey He has each of us on towards Himself. We do not know. We think we do.
The israelites thought they did. And when it was not fitting into their plan, when the days wore on and they got tired of the desert, they starting fashioning the image of God into what their feeble minds could fathom. And they even asked to return to egypt! To return to the bondage out of which they had been freed! What a grievous offense!
Yet how often do I do that? How often do I grieve the heart of my Father when I say, ok this is good. Let me just stop here God. I dont like the uncertainty of that future You have paved out, so I will just stay here. Or, in fact, let me go back to this or that, whatever season of life I somehow idealize in my mind was better. I regress to "painting pictures of egypt" as sara groves beautifully states it.
So yes...here I am tonight, painting pictures of egypt. I forget the chains that have been broken free, the beautiful seasons God has already thus brought me into and out of. I try to ignore the Farsight in my life beckoning me onward. "Just further up! Further in!" As if he is saying "jessica, wait there is more! this is just the beginning. yes worship Him for what HE has done! Yes, revel in the beauty around you that is evidence of what is to come. but further up and further in! there is more! there is glory! there is Him"
so tonight. i want to repent. of my despairing heart. the Lord has given me so much to hope for. and as i journey towards Him and throw off the sin that so easily entangles, i want to run further up and further in, into the presence of the King of Kings. knowing that all of this is just the journey He has me on...to His throne...to dance around His throne.
the throne of Grace. that is only possible for me to reach because of Him and the blood of His Son. Shed on my behalf! a sinner, who even today, gets in her mind that egypt is better than the journey to the promised land, the journey to Glory.
a sinner who, once again, crucifies her Lord as she minimizes the greatness of Him when she revels in the sadness of a past that is passing by, and living in a moment that is vapor, and journeying to a future that is uncertain.
Just knowing that all of this is just a reflection of Him is pretty crazy. Really. it is.
what can wash away my sin? what can make me whole again?
nothing. nothing. nothing.
but the blood of Jesus.
Jesus, as I become egotistic and momentary in thought, let me be reminded of your Word that says "all flesh is as grass" and that this world is just a vapor.
